to reveal or not to reveal

It's amazing how much I've distanced from my husband's whole drama, although not surprising really considering how long I've had to get used to his escapades and bad behaviour.

I can honestly say I feel no jealousy for my husband's girlfriend (whom he's been sleeping with for almost a year I also just discovered). The only thing I feel right now is revulsion for the deception and lies -- inwardly I say ick when I see him.

But a friend suggested that the girlfriend really ought to know the things I now know about. She's the single mom of a young daughter, and most likely knows nothing about his "secret" life -- after all, I've lived with him for 23 years and hadn't a clue til recently. But another friend said better leave it alone and hope that he continues in this "normal" relationship which would prevent him from reverting to the other, and wreaking havoc and damage for my children, and hope that they can carve out a relatively normal relationship as long as it doesn't get any further than superficial. Not that it's likely to be very deep, given how he refuses to deal in reality. (see his earlier reactions to their hurt ....)

So to tell, or not to tell. I guess the answer is what will help my kids the most....

Heavy stuff. Depressing stuff. I feel liberated, though, at long last.

you learn something new

In the past couple of weeks, some things have come to light about my husband's behaviour the past several years, and I am shocked, saddened, and angry.

Up til two weeks ago, I argued when he persisted in saying our marriage was so bad. Now, though, I have to agree with him. It was bad, but not for the reasons he said -- our essential incompatibility -- but because of his secret activity. For a shrewd and perceptive person, how could I have been so blind?

What I'm left with is sadness, that the marriage is well and truly dead, that the only hope of resurrecting it is with a complete transformative miracle, with God healing those dark holes in his heart. I am also ambivalent -- no inclination whatsoever to restore the marriage, and yet praying for his heart to be changed by the Holy Spirit. As for the children, I have a strong desire to protect them from this side he never revealed -- and which I pray he never will.

But there is also hope, as long as I can turn away from obsessing on this drama and how I can change it. I have no excuse not to move forward, and follow what my dear friend recently emailed me:

I so hope you realize that right now you are living Advent! The old world is dead; a new one is being born. Very confusing, but so full of hope. He is coming, that really means something. This confusion is so typical of new encounters with Christ, the real one, not a movie version of the young Jew of 33 years ago, not a pal, but your God who calls you to fuller life - and that always comes with panic and muscle pains. Don't worry about 'marriage'. Marriage is an institution to make love more accessible, to give it a chance to grow. Human beings don't exist to defend marriage, marriage exists for the sake of the human being's fulfilment. In this society, it is a pretty week support and protection.

So strike out into the deep. Don't let the devil destroy for you this most important moment in your life. Because so much good can come of this destruction of old habits, many of which were not good, whatever the devil is must be after you most energetically to distract you from the unleashing of real love and personal freedom that this change of life makes possible. This big Spring cleaning is liberating everything in you, the good the creative but also all the dangerous stuff that structure and habit hid under the rug. 'Be not afraid, it is I', God is telling you as he shakes up your world. Watch, wait, hope, and keep yourself pure for what is coming. And then, as He always says, don't worry about what you will do or say, I will do it for you.

Letting Go

The rage has subsided, but I know better than to think it gone altogether. Today I have some clarity. A marriage is a bit like the trinity -- you have two individuals, and then you have their relationship. And all three can go spiraling off -- not the trinity, but us.

Last night, saw my counsellor, and have regained some clarity. First off, two people make mistakes in marriages, two people contribute to problems, and sometimes, actually usually, each one feeds off the other's specific flaws that nestle in nicely with their own flaws. Then you have extra problems, such as personality disorders, anxieties, conditions, depression, etc. These can really take on a life of their own, and start to rewrite history, and the future.

In our case, my husband has flat out refused to accept any responsibility in any marital downfall -- in his words, it's a no fault situation, that we were just not meant to be married. Convenient, I spoze, but how then do you explain 23 years of hanging around waiting to leave this unsuitable situation???

I have resolved to:
1) pray for a miracle of conversion
2) move on with my life, aiming to accomplish goals I have set for myself (work, spiritual, physical, emotional) and above all have fun
3) stop trying to figure out what is impossible -- another person's set of issues
4) acknowledge I have anger that is justifiable, understand what underlies it, and work on forgiveness, through God's grace
5) create a fun, stable, safe home for my children

Anger and more Anger

The temptation to rage, and to hate is very strong in this sitch. The only way I can talk myself off that ledge is to let God talk me off it, by reading Bible and praying.

What I am angry about:
- the way my kids are hurt and angry, and desperate to change the situation and bring daddy home; and the oblivion on dad's part that "everything's ok" because they're talking to him
- being shoved to the side, after being the supportive wife for so many years
- the dissing of this marriage as "bad" -- or worse, to have him say it's "nobody's fault, we just shouldn't be married"
- to hear my son saying he feels in the middle, no matter that I refrain from saying anything negative about his dad, or to hear him saying he doesn't want to talk about this
- to hear my daughter relate a conversation with her dad: Daddy, I don't want you to get married. Well, A, you don't know what the future holds. But Daddy, I don't want step sisters and brothers. Well, A, I can't guarantee that. Daddy, will you promise me that before you propose, you'll tell me? Yes, A, I can promise you that. WHAT KIND OF CONVERSATION IS THAT TO HAVE WITH A TEN YEAR OLD, WHOSE WHOLE LIFE YOU'VE JUST TURNED UPSIDE DOWN????

Now just hearing his voice, or seeing his face on skype has me running for cover.

out of the mouths of babes

Last night in the car, I told my daughter I'd been at a school location that brought back memories -- it's where I met the woman who was sort of dating my husband at the times, and she introduced us.

I said, 23 years ago. It's a long time.
My daughter said, yes it is. And you should still be married.
I said, well technically I am, and reminded her we weren't going to talk about divorce, then explained the diff between separation and D.

She informed me she would not be sleeping over at her dad's new place. When I asked why she said she wanted him to come visit her at our home, thinking maybe she could force him to return. I tried to tell her that you can't force someone to do what they don't want to do, that is be married to me anymore. She said, well I'm still not sleeping over there.

I said, that's fine, it's your decision.

I don't think her dad was prepared for these reactions. He'll be sad. But maybe that's not such a bad thing.

All things possible

Today, the coaster ride is smoother. Luke 1:37 helped. With God, all things are possible... and I am the handmaiden of the Lord and so be his will.

This is the last morning I will wake up to see my husband's face on the pillow next to mine. When you know it's going, it becomes a little sweeter. I prayed while he slept, and blessed his trip both overseas for work, and his leaving home journey.

As for me and my children we will be fine, eventually, by the grace of God, and through leaning in to difficult times rather than avoiding them, forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Anger

Obviously, I am on a rollercoaster of emotions these days. Yesterday was sadness, and forgiveness, and today I'm angry. Is it my way of reacting to a situation I do not want to be in? I intended to grow old with this man. I wanted us both to go together to our children's weddings. Why is he so blind?

He has a wife who loves and supports him, children who adore him, work that he really loves to do, opportunities to travel with his work. When he said yesterday that he didn't want to be on his deathbed and say where did my life go? I wanted to say better that than being on your deathbed and saying: what did I do? how could I have lost what I had?

He seems to think that if he takes the kids out for dinner and explain to them in rational ways how this will work, and how we'll all benefit from it (DUNH!) that all will be well.

I'm angry that the entire culture seems to think divorce is OKAY! That everyone will be fine as long as everyone plays nicely in the sandbox. My kids are plenty angry, and hurt. I'm angry and hurt. I feel abandoned.

Can I scream now????