Lying is a Virtue Now?

OK, call me old-fashioned but since when has lying been considered a virtue, or a necessary and healthy milestone in a child's development?

This morning in the Star, Minay Venon's column discusses a new study from U of T that says lying could very well be a sign of future success. We all hate it when politicians lie, and when lawyers lie, and when anyone else lies -- so why would we find a way to rationalize children lying?

There are tons of ways to be creative, without having the short ones lie their way to success. Next we'll hear that little girls should learn how to sleep their way to the top.

Marriage is not a Mirror Image

I was talking to a gay man I know, and told him about my marriage breakdown. He asked if I was lonely, and I said no -- more angry, hurt, betrayed and feeling blamed for something that was way out of my control.

He asked if I didn't think monogamy was impossible, and that we were not meant to have the same mate for ever. I said that I thought marriage is where you meet yourself (for better or worse). He asked if that meant mirror image, and I said actually the opposite -- it's where you meet the Other, and in that other ness you are able to see yourself, flaws, strengths, everything, if you're aware of or open to seeing that.

Mirror images are essentially narcissistic because you're hoping to see a positive reflection of yourself. One reason, I guess why my husband consistently falls in love with his ethnic mirror image, hoping to find himself. Ironically when he was younger, he fled that cultural mirror image, rejecting it. The wrestling, as I explained to my friend, was in the complement, to see where and how you can fit -- not as in hand and glove but as in wrestling with another, fully individual person with separate desires, will, goals, and so on. Teenagers mature when they have to cut their teeth against someone they disagree with, although that someone also needs to be in loving relationship with them. Otherwise, they walk away. When you rub up against someone not entirely like yourself, but someone who also has the will (in spite of that lack) to see it through to the end with you, you work out your own personality, see where you are succeeding, failing, where you are strong and weak, where you are culpable and not.

Barring abuse of any kind, marriage breakdown is a failure of will. It is easier to find something new and potentially more exciting. It requires strength to face our own weaknesses and failures because it takes guts to be accountable and take responsibility for things we may have done to hurt. No mirror image can erase the fact that behind that mirror lies an other human being, complete with their own will, which inevitably will depart from your path at some point. What makes marriages last is the willingness to banish fear of being alone, and to wait patiently until those two paths converge again.

Forgiveness

These have been very heavy-hearted, trying days, as my husband prepares to leave our home -- 15 years in this house, and 8 years in the other. Our children have been raised here, and it's like tearing body from spirit. I cannot bear to tell some people for their reactions: it's not the end of the world, you'll get over it, you'll see that this was the best thing possible.

But it's not, especially for my children.

My nights are like Jacob's Ladder re-runs -- wrestling, crying (I take myself to the basement and try to sleep there). And in the midst of it all is my Lord and my God, faithful to the end as I work through this particular challenge. The book Love Dare (which accompanies the slightly cloying Christian movie Fireproof) is something else I'm working through. It's really quite excellent.

I have never been challenged to love unconditionally, although the Bible is full of examples and exhortations to do so. I am going through the exercises -- not to win back my husband because he won't return after trying for 10 or 20 years to leave -- but because it's good for me.

And guess what? A huge weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I feel as though I am solid rock again (until tomorrow when something new will sideswipe me and knock me on my keester). It's the understanding that forgiveness is the act of letting God take over whatever work he needs to do with the person who hurt you. It's also understanding that many hurts that are inflicted are through sheer blindness. Remember Jesus on the Cross? If He could say, forgive them Father, they know not what they do, when his innocent blood has been shed, then why shouldn't I be able to?

A Darwin by any other Name...

...is still the same.

Ah, yes, dear old Darwin. We keep coming smack up to him. When most scientists have long since given him the boot and moved on to more sophisticated methods of understanding evolving species, the Darwinists and neo-Darwinists are still kicking his can.

Is it possible they are doing this out of a defensive reaction to the Creationists and their loud fanfare? Or as a reaction, albeit a tenuous one, to Bush and his evangelical coterie? As I said to my dear atheist, Bush-hating husband the other day, whatever will you have to complain about come November?

Anyway, I digress. There's a new movie out called Expelled, which I read not such good reviews about. Do I send my 15-year-old to see it without vetting it? Bad movies only make bad impressions even if the intent is good. And he's pretty mature about movie quality (and hates to be reminded of his love of Barney only 9 short years ago.)

I see that Louisiana has effected a bill that the left claims undercuts the teaching of evolution, while those who proposed adding creationist/intelligent design in addition to evolution sounds pretty reasonable to me. It's not as though they're removing evolution from the curriculum. I don't really quite understand their fears -- seeing as ID promotes evolving species, just not in as simplistic a manner as the Darwinists, but also sees it with a guiding hand.

Usually, people dig in their heels for two reasons, or one really: they feel insecure in their position. So either, they worry that the future holds only a nightmare of right-wing evangelical thought control, or they worry that ID will legitimately erode the non-theistic Darwin theory, (neo or otherwise).

While I champion the rights of people to ensure their children get taught the way they want them to, (and personally I am a proponent of ID because I think it's the only reasonable choice between evolution which has the scientific evidence on its side, and creation which has a deep understanding of how God operates with the world He loves), I also worry that the approach taken is accomplishing little, and possibly creating a large wake of unreparable damage.

Daily Ablutions

It's no secret to the people nearest and dearest to me that I must, in order to pay the grocery and orthodontic bill, write stories about the interior design of model homes and condo suites. Occasionally, a truly spectacular building -- low rise home, or condo project -- will come along. But for the most part, these are dreary creations, often with gratuitous embellisments meant to make the place look pretty. That's the architecture.

And then there's the interior design. If you can call it that. The subdivision homes are the worst by far. They have endless hallways and staircases, which consume about a third of the square footage, and then there are the double height ceilings in the formal living room.

I can't, of course, slam this stuff, because I'd never write again in this town. But you can't imagine what I'm thinking while waxing cheesy poetic from my keyboard.

Today, for example, I had to extol the virtues of very high end spa baths and gourmand kitchens. First of all, nobody has the time to luxuriate in that spa, nor to rustle up delicious vittles in that fancy kitchen with its two wall ovens, two sinks (one for washing lettuce!) and stainless steel fridge with glass doors -- only neatniks need apply, since every fingerprint shows up here.

Secondly, how much more retreating from the public sphere are we going to do? At least if you belong to a gym and go to the spa, there's a communal sense to it. You can even take a friend along. But can you imagine inviting a friend to join you in your bathroom, no matter how nice it is?

If you play out the scenario, there you are in terrycloth robes lounging away, perhaps even leaning up against the bidet or the commode. For heaven's sakes, who can relax, up close and personal, next to the "seat" of ablutions?

Most of the women I know are so busy that they take those precious few moments of their uninterrupted shower time to scrub out the tub. Like me, they've even got the sequence of rituals down to such a fine art so that they can shave a leg with one hand, while squeegeeing the walls with the other, as they wait for the conditioner to set. The only quandry is whether to wash it all off before hauling out the industrial size Vim or after. The advantage of the latter is that they can scrub the tub bottom with the soles of their feet slathered with Ajax cleanser -- and so save the high price of a pedicure and pumice stone treatment.

Happy Holidays

Lately, I've been wondering if I even know what it means to be joyful. The past two weeks I've been off from work, and the kids and I have been supposedly doing holiday things. What I'd envisioned as a lark -- merrily off to enjoy the sights, smells, food, and events of summer -- has turned into hours upon hours of them watching TV or playing video games, while I've tried to corral the mess in the house. Them going to bed later and later every day, while DH and I struggle with lack of sleep. And the endless bickering! Arguing over who has a millimeter more of cream cheese on their bagel.

Mark Gaskill author of Systemic Parenting says that problems with kids indicates a larger problem with the family as a unit. So what does that say about our family? Probably that we're stressed, and trying to do too much.

As the summer winds down and school is about to start -- and we haven't even gone on our away vacation yet -- I find myself writing more and more to-do lists. All those things that were on the summer to-do list have been pushed on to fall.

And what a list it is!

What kind of drug was I on that deluded me into thinking I could paint the living room, hallway, all the wood trim up and down, replan the garden, add a bit onto the deck, take the kids to myriad fun summer activities, write model suite stories for the paper, AND finish the book manuscript????

I think a big part of it is we are living way too much in our heads -- that everlasting to-do list and the miscalculation of how much time it takes to complete.

The pope just came out with a declaration against too much busyness and his conclusions are spot on -- too much activity, leads to distraction and hardness of heart. Barbara Killinger says much the same in her book on workaholics -- that the drug of work can render you numb to feelings.

What's the alternative? Drop everything? Do nothing? Go fishing?

Paring back is important -- in fact, today we are not heading out to Ontario Place, but instead staying home, getting ready for our trip and walking down to the lake and dipping in our toes.

Paring back though has to be accompanied by a new perception of all that we do. Yesterday's Christian quote of the day had this pithy quotation which applies:

There is no one in the world who cannot arrive without
difficulty at the most eminent perfection by fulfilling with
love the obscure and common duties.
... J. P. de Caussade (1675-1751)

Going to the Dogs

OK, now I finally get it. The other day I saw a guy out walking (or maybe it was jogging) and he had a pooch in a stroller. How ridiculous is that. Well, apparently, not very....

Today I was reading some back clippings, stuff I'd saved for a time such as this, and I read about the doggie strollers that are like baby jogging strollers. Isn't the whole point of a dog, though, to let them get some exercise?

Continuing in this vein, there's a store in Toronto devoted to dogs, and it sells school uniforms (yes, for dogs), hoodies, tennis dresses, Hawaiian shirts and even wedding dresses. (I wonder -- if it's a same sex marriage, who gets to wear the dress??)

Lastly, there's a much bigger trend in small dogs, like Yorkies, daschunds, chihauhaus, etc. because of the travel lifestyle, and the ease of being able to carry a dog on board when it's as small as that.

Now all we need is for Al-Quaeda to figure out how to make a walking suicide bomb out of a lapdog.

Gender specific decor

Lately, my daughter has been playing a video game called Animal Crossing. In it, these little gremlin-like animals putter around their community, knocking on each other's doors, receiving mail, finding things at the dump, trading up or down for goods -- larger homes, decorative items, etc.

While it does bother me that the DIY home remodeling craze has hit such a young demographic, there's something anthropologically interesting about the choices of each of my children (13 year old son plays too).

Today, A proudly showed off her new home. Inside was a splendid fuschia and green oriental carpet, and wallpaper that resembled an ivy-covered brick wall that you might see in a garden. It was really quite a stunning tableau. She then "took" me over to her brother's house to see what he had in his lair. There was a couch, a TV, a fridge and stove (no sink, however, because who needs to wash dishes or lettuce leaves?), a dinosaur skeleton, a ping pong table, and a bobbing bird "perpetual motion" kind of toy.

How telling is that?

Fly-By Shopping

I just came back from visiting friends in Charleston, South Carolina, and after reading Mine Eyes have seen the Glory by Randall Balmer, and Sue Careless's latest on the Book of Common Prayer, I thumbed through the inflight Skymall magazine for a little light reading.

For anyone not acquainted, it's essentially a shopping mall -- in magazine format -- full of inventive items designed to bring ever greater ease and comfort to life.

It also provides comic relief. Check out the following highlights:

1) Ultra Mini Air Supply, which claims to be the world's first wearable air purifier. I guess this is in case your seat mate has either bad breath or bad gas. (Only $129 USD)
2) the new "intelligent" chair alleges to focus its therapeutic massage where it detects muscle tension and stiffness; offers shiatsu, tapping, stretching and rolling, and a footrest for deep massaging feet and lower legs; the armrest panel has 20 programs -- a bargain at $4000-
3) motorized tie rack for dozens of ties you never wear
4) my personal favorite is the pop-up hot dog cooker, with space for two buns and two dogs, ensuring your kids can stuff hot dogs into their overweight little faces at any time of day
5) fold-flat pet stroller with lots of storage for accessories -- isn't the point of walking for you -- and your pet -- to get some exercise?
6) million-germ eliminating travel toothbrush sanitizer -- need I say more?
7) upside down tomato garden allows vines to hang down in mid-air and not rot on the ground
8) the inflatable movie screen (120" diagonal) for watching movies at your backyard pool parties. Can be set up and inflated in minutes!
9) tailgate chair (resembling an infant's jolly jumper) that hooks up easily to the trailer hitch of your Chevy Blazer
10) a carpeted ramp to allow your grossly overweight dog to clamber up on the sofa for a snooze
11) the fish finder watch, with a sonar sensor for transmission of fish info

That said, there are some items I'm tempted to buy, like the world's largest crossword puzzle -- at 7'x7', with 28,000 clues and over 91,000 squares, it hangs on the wall and takes months to finish; the instant soft ice cream maker; and the back to basics egg and muffin toaster --- now if only that robot could whisk up some hollandaise...

What's wrong with Christian Kids?

I've had an ongoing discussion with some of the parents at my church about our children's dis-ease and seeming inability to fit in at school. These kids aren't nerdy, geeky, weird, or bizarre, either. When I was pregnant with my 13-year-old son I was looking for a warm, nurturing, spirit-filled church in which to bring him up, because my husband isn't a church-goer. So when I came to Little Trinity I found what I needed. Aidan's been with these kids -- about six boys in total, and a couple of girls (those poor girls throughout Sunday school, but more on that another time) -- since he was a baby.

I've also had most of these boys over at one time or another, plus I taught them for several years in Sunday school. They're all intelligent, fun, active kids, some more high energy than others.

When the other moms tell me that their boys sometimes have trouble fitting in at school, I have to wonder.

Is this because we've created a Christian ghetto, with a language and lexicon only Christian kids understand? Do all kids suffer from social problems in their early teen years? Are we Christian parents so worn out toeing the line between faith and culture, that we've become anxious and hovering and created kids who are likewise? Are we becoming schizophrenics, living one way on Sunday and another during the week so that our kids can never really fit in? Is this just the tension that Christianity always finds itself in with current culture, and the more antagonistic toward faith, the greater the tension?

I'm going to look into this a little further. But if anyone out there is reading this and has any answers, I'm all ears!

Family as God

If I call attention to the fact that I haven't posted on my blog for two months, then perhaps I shall set a trend, and it'll be three months til I post next. So I won't make reference to that, officially at least.

While busy the last few months, researching and working on a book project about family, I've come across a lot of information related to families that makes me think, in spite of our good intentions to make healthier families, we're practicing that long-held human habit for distortion. In other words, we've made families into gods. Much is sacrificed on the altar of family -- from women's hard-won educational/career backgrounds (left behind in favour of making organic cookies and home schooling) to hobknobbing with those wholly at odds with the notion of family. A lot of stay at home moms have channeled their previous work-related energy into make-work projects with their kids -- and it's been well documented in Judith Warner's book, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in an Age of Anxiety. On the other end of the scale, there's the bubble-boy behaviour of some Christian parents to keep their kids from all that's bad in the world. Like meeting a real life gay or lesbian person, which might lead to an understanding about sexuality/homosexuality and might allow them to really get in touch with what it means, concretely, to separate sin from sinner. Or to look at the thrice married pastor of their church and wonder if, perhaps, there's something wrong there too.

We parents tend to fluctuate wildly between Hyper Parenting (or helicopter parenting as some are now calling it) to outright neglect. Mea culpa -- too worn from working all day to actively engage with my kids, I let them cruise the nintendo (my 13-year-old) while my 6 year old plays her imaginary school game, while I do "just one more email." My spectrum (which can be navigated several times a day) ranges from neglect to the lecturing, in your face, kind -- how did you play today, did your teacher say anything about your history project, if you commit yourself to soccer you have to go to every practice, dropping towels on the bathroom floor is the sign of a weak spirit, and then there's my ubiquitous work-first, play-later mantra.

It's like sculpting something from a kit, sort of like paint-by-number art, you poke and prod and chip away until it takes on some sort of shape. I've found, sadly, that the shape ends up a little like the circle I tried cutting out of construction paper when I was in kindergarten. Intent on perfection, I kept cutting round and round until there was nothing left of it.

And so it is with these false gods we set up -- when there's nothing concrete, real, and incarnate within what you're setting up to worship, it ends up on the floor in a flurry of little paper bits. Pity the poor family that's being molded into this kind of stultified and studied perfection -- high marks, professional sports development programs, extra tutoring (Kumon sources say that most kids are taking classes fully two grade levels above what they're in at school), and scheduled play.

I am desperately trying to break out of that rut and have decided that prayer, really and truly, is the only way out.

Haute Cuisine

Oh I really must protest today! Whatever happened to the butter knife? Or even the dinner and luncheon knife? Why does one never see these around anymore? As most women will attest, it's a rare thing to see a man holding a knife at the dinner table anymore, unless he's about to stab a side of beast.

Well, I'll tell you what's happened to the lowly knife. It's been replaced by a peanut butter and jam spreader.

Yes, I saw it this morning and will paste it here if you don't believe me. I saw it, of course, in the Globe and Mail's Style Counsel, which starts off the sales job with this line:

Sometimes it's nice to own things you don't actually need.

Judging by the state of the landfill sites, we all own way TOO much of what we don't actually need. (Dinner knives notwithstanding.)

The Style Counsel goes on to say:

It doesn't, for instance, take much to make a classic PB&J sandwich: the two namesake ingredients, some bread (sliced diagonally, crusts on) and a utensil to do the smearing. But Cuisipro, the Canadian maker of kitchen gadgets for every purpose imaginable, has designed a Peanut Butter and Jelly Spreader that is too adorable to resist.

And just in case you don't know how to use it, unlike, say, the regular garden-variety kitchen knife, they explain:
It looks like a distant cousin to a kayak paddle, with rubbery silicone ends colour-coded to remind you not to cross-contaminate.

Isn't cross-contamination the whole point of PB&J?

The ad goes on and on -- after all how much can one say about a PB&J spreader and still fulfil the word count necessary for advertising this item?

They say it's packaged with "all the necessary ingredients" -- what more does one need? -- and "it's a deconstructed housewarming gift that's far more creative than towels."

I say, bring on the towels!!!!