Friday, November 13, 2009

Letting Go

The rage has subsided, but I know better than to think it gone altogether. Today I have some clarity. A marriage is a bit like the trinity -- you have two individuals, and then you have their relationship. And all three can go spiraling off -- not the trinity, but us.

Last night, saw my counsellor, and have regained some clarity. First off, two people make mistakes in marriages, two people contribute to problems, and sometimes, actually usually, each one feeds off the other's specific flaws that nestle in nicely with their own flaws. Then you have extra problems, such as personality disorders, anxieties, conditions, depression, etc. These can really take on a life of their own, and start to rewrite history, and the future.

In our case, my husband has flat out refused to accept any responsibility in any marital downfall -- in his words, it's a no fault situation, that we were just not meant to be married. Convenient, I spoze, but how then do you explain 23 years of hanging around waiting to leave this unsuitable situation???

I have resolved to:
1) pray for a miracle of conversion
2) move on with my life, aiming to accomplish goals I have set for myself (work, spiritual, physical, emotional) and above all have fun
3) stop trying to figure out what is impossible -- another person's set of issues
4) acknowledge I have anger that is justifiable, understand what underlies it, and work on forgiveness, through God's grace
5) create a fun, stable, safe home for my children

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Anger and more Anger

The temptation to rage, and to hate is very strong in this sitch. The only way I can talk myself off that ledge is to let God talk me off it, by reading Bible and praying.

What I am angry about:
- the way my kids are hurt and angry, and desperate to change the situation and bring daddy home; and the oblivion on dad's part that "everything's ok" because they're talking to him
- being shoved to the side, after being the supportive wife for so many years
- the dissing of this marriage as "bad" -- or worse, to have him say it's "nobody's fault, we just shouldn't be married"
- to hear my son saying he feels in the middle, no matter that I refrain from saying anything negative about his dad, or to hear him saying he doesn't want to talk about this
- to hear my daughter relate a conversation with her dad: Daddy, I don't want you to get married. Well, A, you don't know what the future holds. But Daddy, I don't want step sisters and brothers. Well, A, I can't guarantee that. Daddy, will you promise me that before you propose, you'll tell me? Yes, A, I can promise you that. WHAT KIND OF CONVERSATION IS THAT TO HAVE WITH A TEN YEAR OLD, WHOSE WHOLE LIFE YOU'VE JUST TURNED UPSIDE DOWN????

Now just hearing his voice, or seeing his face on skype has me running for cover.