Daily Ablutions

It's no secret to the people nearest and dearest to me that I must, in order to pay the grocery and orthodontic bill, write stories about the interior design of model homes and condo suites. Occasionally, a truly spectacular building -- low rise home, or condo project -- will come along. But for the most part, these are dreary creations, often with gratuitous embellisments meant to make the place look pretty. That's the architecture.

And then there's the interior design. If you can call it that. The subdivision homes are the worst by far. They have endless hallways and staircases, which consume about a third of the square footage, and then there are the double height ceilings in the formal living room.

I can't, of course, slam this stuff, because I'd never write again in this town. But you can't imagine what I'm thinking while waxing cheesy poetic from my keyboard.

Today, for example, I had to extol the virtues of very high end spa baths and gourmand kitchens. First of all, nobody has the time to luxuriate in that spa, nor to rustle up delicious vittles in that fancy kitchen with its two wall ovens, two sinks (one for washing lettuce!) and stainless steel fridge with glass doors -- only neatniks need apply, since every fingerprint shows up here.

Secondly, how much more retreating from the public sphere are we going to do? At least if you belong to a gym and go to the spa, there's a communal sense to it. You can even take a friend along. But can you imagine inviting a friend to join you in your bathroom, no matter how nice it is?

If you play out the scenario, there you are in terrycloth robes lounging away, perhaps even leaning up against the bidet or the commode. For heaven's sakes, who can relax, up close and personal, next to the "seat" of ablutions?

Most of the women I know are so busy that they take those precious few moments of their uninterrupted shower time to scrub out the tub. Like me, they've even got the sequence of rituals down to such a fine art so that they can shave a leg with one hand, while squeegeeing the walls with the other, as they wait for the conditioner to set. The only quandry is whether to wash it all off before hauling out the industrial size Vim or after. The advantage of the latter is that they can scrub the tub bottom with the soles of their feet slathered with Ajax cleanser -- and so save the high price of a pedicure and pumice stone treatment.