communion

Every day the cqod (Christian quote of the day) comes into my mailbox, and it never ceases to amaze me how often it hits home for whatever I'm going through at the time.

Today it's the unbelievable claim that God hears whatever we ask according to His will. And knowing that he hears us, we are assured that we have what we asked! As George MacDonald explains, a child running home hungry actually has more need of his mother than of dinner. Likewise, when we go to God it is communion we seek, not the things that we ask for. MacDonald even suggests that God witholds things from us, so we will come and ask.

These days as I go through the extremely tough stuff of losing my marriage, and watching my children go through various stages of grief, mostly numbness right now, I can easily grow desperate and despairing. I tend to manage things and thus my prayers can veer into the "please fix this for me" arena. The despair leads me to think it's hopeless, the situation has gone on far too long, I've tried everything.

Like Martha who complains to Jesus, I am being told: sit still, and trust me. It is your life in mine that should concern you, and only that. You can pray for him, but you can't fix or change him, only I can do that.

Communion with God is what I need to focus on, and on the rare occasions I can keep from being distracted from it, there is a measure of peace. On the days I go careening off on my own, thinking up methods to shake things up, I am distraught.

I tend to be impatient, and thought that I was very patient the past ten years or so since this trouble has brewed. But I realize now I have just been enduring, and not being patient at all.

God is good

More on the niece. She caused a disturbance at a downtown church and because there wasn't her usual support group present, the clergy called the police, who then took her to the hospital. This was a good thing, a very good thing, though she is furious. The psychiatrist ran tests, both blood work and whatever psychiatric tests are necessary, and then they transferred her to the psych ward of a different hospital. While I feel sorry for her being in a panic to get out, I am so thankful that she is finally getting a) a proper assessment and b) meds and treatment.

The other thing that came of all this was the revelation that there's quite a substantial support group that she has, good people who worry about her, buy her clothes when she needs them, help her find work, listen and talk to her, and actually like and respect her. It's generally believed that she is much worse now than she was a couple of years ago, before heading to Quebec City, and that she is more aggressive. But at the same time, she feels very deep upset at not being able to care for herself in a proper adult way, and grief over not having a marriage, home, family, and so on. These things I understand.

So, I've been able to connect a couple of social workers with some people DH knows so she can get some housing help, get her into a stable living arrangment, so that she can heal partially. Oh, and the other thing -- much of her behaviour is directly related to her being high almost all the time. Likely on street drugs, like crack. As desperate and grim as all that sounds, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Until of course the next tunnel appears. But that's life. And you gotta deal.