you learn something new

In the past couple of weeks, some things have come to light about my husband's behaviour the past several years, and I am shocked, saddened, and angry.

Up til two weeks ago, I argued when he persisted in saying our marriage was so bad. Now, though, I have to agree with him. It was bad, but not for the reasons he said -- our essential incompatibility -- but because of his secret activity. For a shrewd and perceptive person, how could I have been so blind?

What I'm left with is sadness, that the marriage is well and truly dead, that the only hope of resurrecting it is with a complete transformative miracle, with God healing those dark holes in his heart. I am also ambivalent -- no inclination whatsoever to restore the marriage, and yet praying for his heart to be changed by the Holy Spirit. As for the children, I have a strong desire to protect them from this side he never revealed -- and which I pray he never will.

But there is also hope, as long as I can turn away from obsessing on this drama and how I can change it. I have no excuse not to move forward, and follow what my dear friend recently emailed me:

I so hope you realize that right now you are living Advent! The old world is dead; a new one is being born. Very confusing, but so full of hope. He is coming, that really means something. This confusion is so typical of new encounters with Christ, the real one, not a movie version of the young Jew of 33 years ago, not a pal, but your God who calls you to fuller life - and that always comes with panic and muscle pains. Don't worry about 'marriage'. Marriage is an institution to make love more accessible, to give it a chance to grow. Human beings don't exist to defend marriage, marriage exists for the sake of the human being's fulfilment. In this society, it is a pretty week support and protection.

So strike out into the deep. Don't let the devil destroy for you this most important moment in your life. Because so much good can come of this destruction of old habits, many of which were not good, whatever the devil is must be after you most energetically to distract you from the unleashing of real love and personal freedom that this change of life makes possible. This big Spring cleaning is liberating everything in you, the good the creative but also all the dangerous stuff that structure and habit hid under the rug. 'Be not afraid, it is I', God is telling you as he shakes up your world. Watch, wait, hope, and keep yourself pure for what is coming. And then, as He always says, don't worry about what you will do or say, I will do it for you.

Letting Go

The rage has subsided, but I know better than to think it gone altogether. Today I have some clarity. A marriage is a bit like the trinity -- you have two individuals, and then you have their relationship. And all three can go spiraling off -- not the trinity, but us.

Last night, saw my counsellor, and have regained some clarity. First off, two people make mistakes in marriages, two people contribute to problems, and sometimes, actually usually, each one feeds off the other's specific flaws that nestle in nicely with their own flaws. Then you have extra problems, such as personality disorders, anxieties, conditions, depression, etc. These can really take on a life of their own, and start to rewrite history, and the future.

In our case, my husband has flat out refused to accept any responsibility in any marital downfall -- in his words, it's a no fault situation, that we were just not meant to be married. Convenient, I spoze, but how then do you explain 23 years of hanging around waiting to leave this unsuitable situation???

I have resolved to:
1) pray for a miracle of conversion
2) move on with my life, aiming to accomplish goals I have set for myself (work, spiritual, physical, emotional) and above all have fun
3) stop trying to figure out what is impossible -- another person's set of issues
4) acknowledge I have anger that is justifiable, understand what underlies it, and work on forgiveness, through God's grace
5) create a fun, stable, safe home for my children

Forgiveness

These have been very heavy-hearted, trying days, as my husband prepares to leave our home -- 15 years in this house, and 8 years in the other. Our children have been raised here, and it's like tearing body from spirit. I cannot bear to tell some people for their reactions: it's not the end of the world, you'll get over it, you'll see that this was the best thing possible.

But it's not, especially for my children.

My nights are like Jacob's Ladder re-runs -- wrestling, crying (I take myself to the basement and try to sleep there). And in the midst of it all is my Lord and my God, faithful to the end as I work through this particular challenge. The book Love Dare (which accompanies the slightly cloying Christian movie Fireproof) is something else I'm working through. It's really quite excellent.

I have never been challenged to love unconditionally, although the Bible is full of examples and exhortations to do so. I am going through the exercises -- not to win back my husband because he won't return after trying for 10 or 20 years to leave -- but because it's good for me.

And guess what? A huge weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I feel as though I am solid rock again (until tomorrow when something new will sideswipe me and knock me on my keester). It's the understanding that forgiveness is the act of letting God take over whatever work he needs to do with the person who hurt you. It's also understanding that many hurts that are inflicted are through sheer blindness. Remember Jesus on the Cross? If He could say, forgive them Father, they know not what they do, when his innocent blood has been shed, then why shouldn't I be able to?

Heading to Integrity

Today while sitting on my rain-washed deck and tossing the ball for my obsessive white lab, Emma, I read my daily devotions. I've been working through the Psalms, and today I read 26. I usually have to read the Bible chapter over and over just to get the proper feel and understanding and today was no different. Finally on the second or third read, the key words started to sink in. For me to acquire integrity (does one acquire this like your taste for martinis?), there were a few things I would have to do.
-- trusted in the Lord without wavering
-- walk in faithfulness to you
-- singing aloud a song of thanksgiving, and telling all your wondrous deeds
-- love the house in which you dwell

In order to gain integrity, it seems we must trust in God, be faithful to Him, sing his praises, thank Him for all things, and love the house in which he dwells (and that would mean His church, even though we all know that God is not restricted by actual walls and ceilings).

And so, integrity comes from worship.

Pullman's latest books

There was an interview with Philip Pullman in the paper today, since he spoke last night at the university of Toronto. His books are bestsellers, not too far behind the Potter series. But Christians have a problem with them because of their anti-church slant. Pullman is a confessed atheist, and I remember when my husband was reading the Golden Compass to our son and I was half listening, I remember feeling alarmed over some of the passages, and that was before I'd heard any criticism of the series.

Yes, it alarms me that there's a growing fascination for darkness, and yes it alarms me that Christian children are being fed a steady diet of the most subtle things that pull in other directions. But it's also interesting that kids -- and adults -- are fascinated by the sheer power of evil and the absolute power of goodness to overcome it. Maybe this speaks to what we in the church have done with the scary events of the Old Testament -- with battles, and visions, and vengeance and exile.

Why is the church ignoring the full range of human emotion and actions in its efforts to be nice, and good guys? The result is a church rendered lifeless, bloodless and ineffectual. Maybe we could take a few lessons from Pullman's book, instead of denying their power.