Saturday, October 31, 2009

All things possible

Today, the coaster ride is smoother. Luke 1:37 helped. With God, all things are possible... and I am the handmaiden of the Lord and so be his will.

This is the last morning I will wake up to see my husband's face on the pillow next to mine. When you know it's going, it becomes a little sweeter. I prayed while he slept, and blessed his trip both overseas for work, and his leaving home journey.

As for me and my children we will be fine, eventually, by the grace of God, and through leaning in to difficult times rather than avoiding them, forgiveness, and unconditional love.

Friday, October 30, 2009


Obviously, I am on a rollercoaster of emotions these days. Yesterday was sadness, and forgiveness, and today I'm angry. Is it my way of reacting to a situation I do not want to be in? I intended to grow old with this man. I wanted us both to go together to our children's weddings. Why is he so blind?

He has a wife who loves and supports him, children who adore him, work that he really loves to do, opportunities to travel with his work. When he said yesterday that he didn't want to be on his deathbed and say where did my life go? I wanted to say better that than being on your deathbed and saying: what did I do? how could I have lost what I had?

He seems to think that if he takes the kids out for dinner and explain to them in rational ways how this will work, and how we'll all benefit from it (DUNH!) that all will be well.

I'm angry that the entire culture seems to think divorce is OKAY! That everyone will be fine as long as everyone plays nicely in the sandbox. My kids are plenty angry, and hurt. I'm angry and hurt. I feel abandoned.

Can I scream now????

Thursday, October 29, 2009


These have been very heavy-hearted, trying days, as my husband prepares to leave our home -- 15 years in this house, and 8 years in the other. Our children have been raised here, and it's like tearing body from spirit. I cannot bear to tell some people for their reactions: it's not the end of the world, you'll get over it, you'll see that this was the best thing possible.

But it's not, especially for my children.

My nights are like Jacob's Ladder re-runs -- wrestling, crying (I take myself to the basement and try to sleep there). And in the midst of it all is my Lord and my God, faithful to the end as I work through this particular challenge. The book Love Dare (which accompanies the slightly cloying Christian movie Fireproof) is something else I'm working through. It's really quite excellent.

I have never been challenged to love unconditionally, although the Bible is full of examples and exhortations to do so. I am going through the exercises -- not to win back my husband because he won't return after trying for 10 or 20 years to leave -- but because it's good for me.

And guess what? A huge weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I feel free. I feel as though I am solid rock again (until tomorrow when something new will sideswipe me and knock me on my keester). It's the understanding that forgiveness is the act of letting God take over whatever work he needs to do with the person who hurt you. It's also understanding that many hurts that are inflicted are through sheer blindness. Remember Jesus on the Cross? If He could say, forgive them Father, they know not what they do, when his innocent blood has been shed, then why shouldn't I be able to?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Every day the cqod (Christian quote of the day) comes into my mailbox, and it never ceases to amaze me how often it hits home for whatever I'm going through at the time.

Today it's the unbelievable claim that God hears whatever we ask according to His will. And knowing that he hears us, we are assured that we have what we asked! As George MacDonald explains, a child running home hungry actually has more need of his mother than of dinner. Likewise, when we go to God it is communion we seek, not the things that we ask for. MacDonald even suggests that God witholds things from us, so we will come and ask.

These days as I go through the extremely tough stuff of losing my marriage, and watching my children go through various stages of grief, mostly numbness right now, I can easily grow desperate and despairing. I tend to manage things and thus my prayers can veer into the "please fix this for me" arena. The despair leads me to think it's hopeless, the situation has gone on far too long, I've tried everything.

Like Martha who complains to Jesus, I am being told: sit still, and trust me. It is your life in mine that should concern you, and only that. You can pray for him, but you can't fix or change him, only I can do that.

Communion with God is what I need to focus on, and on the rare occasions I can keep from being distracted from it, there is a measure of peace. On the days I go careening off on my own, thinking up methods to shake things up, I am distraught.

I tend to be impatient, and thought that I was very patient the past ten years or so since this trouble has brewed. But I realize now I have just been enduring, and not being patient at all.