Life imitates artifice

It's amazing how often life imitates art(ifice). I was thinking about the ridiculous conversation between an American man and his American mistress while we were all having dinner in a tiny restaurant in Paris's 6th.

How much it reminded me of the months-later email conversation between my husband and his mistress, with her psychologizing about what a narcissist I am, how I do not realize what a Great Man he is, and -- worse -- how I have stood in the way of his accomplishing Great Works and his Destiny (which only her embrace can change for the better).

The couple in the bar were hysterically funny, particularly to me and my ten year old daughter, and even to 16 year old son. We couldn't believe how ridiculous they sounded, swilling back wine, she drunkenly defending their relationship, and earnestly psycho-analyzing the predicament of wife clinging to errant husband (judging by my own feelings, I suspect NOT), and he trying to keep his head above water, because her line of reasoning was so confusing.

Of course at the time I knew nothing of dear-husband's affairs of the heart. But looking back, it makes me wonder if these philanderers realize how predictable and silly they sound, so that even a ten year old girl snickers?

Swells of Anger, troughs of pain

Dealing with anger again. What's it telling me? Angry about the continued lying to the world about his secret life behind the mask, angry about the dismissive attitude -- oh well, we just weren't suited (it took you 23 years to figure that out, or was it because you couldn't find the laundromat?). I wonder if what I'm really angry about is that it tells the world that I somehow was unsuitable, something less than worthy.

But it's more than that, I think, even though I am as weak in succumbing to my ego as the next person. It's the way the world dismisses vows, and commitments, especially those you make on behalf of the weaker -- our children. For all their sophistication, our children are fragile. And yet they're also strong. Maybe this will make them stronger, maybe it will shatter my daughter's chances for a good marriage, if she pursues life with a man who is as spiritually and psychologically unformed as her dad. Who can my son look up to now -- he has declared that his dad is no longer a role model. His dad gave up all that, because of something he thought might bring him happiness? Even the kids are smarter than that -- my daughter "got" the message of Where the Wild Things Are (you can't run away from your problems).

Met with a friend yesterday, and he says I should be relieved that he's gone, given what I now know. It was hard to explain to him that separation and divorce goes against everything I believe in, even while intellectually I know this is better now (does it bother me to admit that Tom was right -- this was a bad marriage? or because I don't get the opportunity to shout out that it's bad because he is ill and has no morals?).

But I also realize I'm doing exactly what my parents did -- my narcissistic mother, riddled with hypochrondria and sleeping pills, ranting to the skies about her horrible children, and my father allowing it to happen. (Even for all that, I'm healthier than my husband because I admit whereas he cannot be honest.)

But like my parents -- mother wrapped up in her navel and dad bound tightly to her illness --I'm wondering if I'm ignoring my children in order to obsess on the whys and wherefores of my h's behaviour. They need me focused on them, present, loving, fun and stable. I never thought I'd say this about my husband, but he's just not stable, and I was blind to not see it before.

Not exactly my most cogent post, but there you have it.

to reveal or not to reveal

It's amazing how much I've distanced from my husband's whole drama, although not surprising really considering how long I've had to get used to his escapades and bad behaviour.

I can honestly say I feel no jealousy for my husband's girlfriend (whom he's been sleeping with for almost a year I also just discovered). The only thing I feel right now is revulsion for the deception and lies -- inwardly I say ick when I see him.

But a friend suggested that the girlfriend really ought to know the things I now know about. She's the single mom of a young daughter, and most likely knows nothing about his "secret" life -- after all, I've lived with him for 23 years and hadn't a clue til recently. But another friend said better leave it alone and hope that he continues in this "normal" relationship which would prevent him from reverting to the other, and wreaking havoc and damage for my children, and hope that they can carve out a relatively normal relationship as long as it doesn't get any further than superficial. Not that it's likely to be very deep, given how he refuses to deal in reality. (see his earlier reactions to their hurt ....)

So to tell, or not to tell. I guess the answer is what will help my kids the most....

Heavy stuff. Depressing stuff. I feel liberated, though, at long last.

To Have and To Hold

I just got off the phone with a long time girlfriend who tells me her marriage is dissolving, and she has been having an affair for the past two years. While I do understand that she’s felt frustrated with trying to get her husband to pay attention to her, I also know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the infidelity news.

And she’s not the first. In the past month or two, I have heard of the split up of four other relatively good friends. In one case, the husband had been addicted to office affairs, and had even been blackmailed by one of his past flings. In the other two, the husband had left for another woman. So the stats are right on one thing – this happens 75% of the time with men, and 25% with women. And the final one, he left not for another woman, but to be away.

In my own case, I keep holding on, but when I get to the point where I am ready to throw in the towel he makes a turnaround. Some friends say he seems to enjoy having me dance to his tune. Others say essentially the same, but add that it’s just his personality to need to assert his power to leave anytime (which he’s been threatening to do for 22 years, and never does).

The conversations with friends always revolves around how does this affect the kids. Is it better for them to have parents staying together even though it’s pretty clear there’s little love, or is it better if mom and dad move on -- either alone or to someone new -- so that they can stop exposing the kids to impotent relationships. I’m married to a man whose parents stuck together and their horrible relationship may have caused him to be virtually incapable of making a commitment (he did this kind of thing with girlfriends before me so I know it's a trend). And yet, my children are doing quite well, all things considered. And I am doing fairly well myself -- we are amicable (most of the time), and I do work I like. Except for occasionally feeling suspicious that he is having an affair, my emotional life is pretty consistently calm. (Though this could also be due to having cut myself off from feeling.)

Anyway, I’d love to hear from others what they have to say. Because I don't have the answer(s)!