roller coasters and other things...

This emotional ride is not as severe in some respects as it was 10 or 11 years ago when my husband first pulled his teenager tricks, but in other ways it's as bad. I am starting to recognize my own need to explain his behaviour to others who know him as not overly healthy for me. Although it enrages me that he is trying to pull the wool over his family's eyes (woe is me, I'm soooo unhappy), and not tell them the truth about his mistress (he wants a life of integrity, so how about start by telling the truth!), I also see that I'm playing a little of the victim game myself. Which doesn't help me move forward.

This first day of January is not only the beginning of a new year for me, but a new decade as well. There has been a huge amount of pain over the past decade, some of which I swept under the carpet partly because I'd absorbed as much as I could.

My husband's mistress wailed: mistresses are real people, mistresses have real feelings. The same goes for wives, sisters -- we are real people, we have real feelings, and why would I be content with a relationship that so degraded and devalued me? The only reason I closed my eyes to what was going on, was to preserve a home for my children. But my husband's leaving has ripped that wide open, and I am left with two choices: stay stuck with wishful thinking, or move ahead and live fully.

To alter the paralysis, I must move forward, even if it causes more upheaval and conflict within. That means leaving the past behind, because dwelling there is not where God wishes us to be, because God wishes us to have whole lives, not shadow lives. It means looking ahead, but only so far, because what the Lord wants more than anything is incarnational life, being fully present.

Moving forward means leaving the safety of the past, even though it is fraught with pain, betrayal, abandonment -- it's the devil I know.

vengeance is not mine

I understand now why so many people seek vengeance under these kinds of circumstances, and it has nothing to do with punishing the other person. When you've been betrayed by someone who is supposed to love you and care for you, the anger is a useful tool for not feling the hurt so badly. In fact it can prevent you from feeling altogether because you are so busy smashing things to pieces :)

But when you don't seek revenge, through anger, the result is an overwhelming sadness and g rief over the loss and that is much more debilitating, at least for the shorter term. But ultimately, more healing comes through sadness because it is the real emotion under the anger, and it resides closer to the heart, and is consequently more human, which is the reality here.

Today I'm sad, for I have dropped my vengefulness and am feeling the loss. In 2 Corinthians, chapter 7, Paul remarks to the Corinthian church that the distress they felt over being hurt by some other segment of the church drove them to deepen their ties with God rather than strike out at those who hurt them.

When I'm sad, I am driven to Christ for solace, and it's a very good and safe to be.

revelation

Since last posting, I learned a lot more about the mistress. Having concluded that they deserve each other, I am now directing my concerns toward my own children. As one of my friends said, "your husband's escapades are boring and predictable, pathetic, twisted and ugly. Why waste any more time thinking about them?"