Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Look Backwards, Look Forwards

Today, I thought I'd clean out my  sent email folder, which only has a little over 12,000 emails in it! I started with the last page (from the middle of 2007), clicking each box, then scanning down the list to see if there was any I wanted to keep. A couple caught my eye -- one to my counsellor, and the other to one of the pastoral staff at my church. Opening them, I wasn't prepared for the flood of emotions -- the one to my minister told her that "things were going so smoothly on holidays, I probably wouldn't need to see her when I got home," and the one to my counsellor a few weeks later, expressed the kicked in the gut feeling of discovering that the "great holiday" was all a sham. Now, of course, I know the truth of that holiday -- the mistress waiting back home.

The emotions conflict -- on the one hand, a little post traumatic stress of feeling very much back in that bubble three years ago (or 8 years ago, or 12 years ago, .......) coupled with the anger at being lied to, the distress over being wrongly blamed and dissed for, well, for being me. On the other hand, a flood of relief that this is not my life anymore.

No comments: