Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Living in the Light, radiating the Light

This journey of mine is an amazing testament to God's grace, because of the unbelievable number of Christian women He has set up along my path. I feel protected, upheld, and for once in my life worthwhile as in worth fighting for.

Last night as I lay awake for an hour or so (which I do most nights, wrestling with all this), I started having vivid memories of my relationship with my mother, and with others for whom I take on care for. That itself is a retreat from reality -- assuming I'm not worth caring about, and am only there to hold up others. But it'salso about not being willing to enter into that whole commitment thing that will allow me to accept care.

Being a researcher, I am one who relies on info from numerous sources before coming to a conclusion. I am trying to rely more on God alone, but He knows how I operate and knows how best to get me to listen. So He sends several women I trust and they give their two cents, which amounts to a goldmine (or should that be coppermine?).

The consistent message is that God wants me to live whole, which requires a transformed mind, heart and soul. I must move forward, like a butterfly wiggling out of its cocoon. Those around you who are mired in quicksand cause trouble when they attempt to pull others in with them. Being centred in Christ prevents falling into that quicksand with them. Being centred on God opens you to a renewal of the mind that proves the will of God in what's good, acceptable and pure.

Devotions point me forward too: 2 Corinthians, chapter 11, getting sucked in by smooth talking. In my case this isn't the snake oil salesman type, but a cool rational mind embodied by a responsible "family" man guy (who was living a secret life). St Paul talks about this sham -- especially relevant too the Corinthians with their rational Greek understanding of life and reality.

I happily bellied up to the bar of satisfaction, just like the Samaritan woman. I traded in the hard way for the easy way so many years ago, thinking that it was a breeze, paws off, Lord, I can handle this, and I am now paying for it. These are the wages of disobedience, and I can't let myself off the hook.

So, I could spend a lot of time looking backward, and worrying about my kids. OR, I can look forward and up, live a whole and satisfying life in the Lord, rejoicing in his abundance of gifts to me, and trusting that He will lead the way, that He can fix things.

I CANNOT fix things, no-how, no-way, no matter how "good" and pleasing I make myself, no matter how I try to meet other's needs. But I CAN live according to Him, by radiating His light. That only happens when we are securely fixed on Him.

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