No sooner did I finish my last post, but this came to my inbox from Christian quotation of the day,and humbled me. I must have more patience, and forebearance, just as the Lord has done with me:
Lord Jesus Christ! A whole life long didst thou suffer that I too might be saved; and yet thy suffering is not yet at an end; but this too wilt thou endure, saving and redeeming me, this patient suffering of having to do with me, I who so often go astray from the right path, or even when I remained on the straight path stumbled along it or crept so slowly along the right path. Infinite patience, suffering of infinite patience. How many times have I not been impatient, wished to give up and forsake everything; wished to take the terribly easy way out, despair: but thou didst not lose patience. Oh, I cannot say what thy chosen servant says: that he filled up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in his flesh; no, I can only say that I increased thy sufferings, added new ones to those which thou didst once suffer in order to save me. ... Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855), Journals,
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Swells of Anger, troughs of pain
Dealing with anger again. What's it telling me? Angry about the continued lying to the world about his secret life behind the mask, angry about the dismissive attitude -- oh well, we just weren't suited (it took you 23 years to figure that out, or was it because you couldn't find the laundromat?). I wonder if what I'm really angry about is that it tells the world that I somehow was unsuitable, something less than worthy.
But it's more than that, I think, even though I am as weak in succumbing to my ego as the next person. It's the way the world dismisses vows, and commitments, especially those you make on behalf of the weaker -- our children. For all their sophistication, our children are fragile. And yet they're also strong. Maybe this will make them stronger, maybe it will shatter my daughter's chances for a good marriage, if she pursues life with a man who is as spiritually and psychologically unformed as her dad. Who can my son look up to now -- he has declared that his dad is no longer a role model. His dad gave up all that, because of something he thought might bring him happiness? Even the kids are smarter than that -- my daughter "got" the message of Where the Wild Things Are (you can't run away from your problems).
Met with a friend yesterday, and he says I should be relieved that he's gone, given what I now know. It was hard to explain to him that separation and divorce goes against everything I believe in, even while intellectually I know this is better now (does it bother me to admit that Tom was right -- this was a bad marriage? or because I don't get the opportunity to shout out that it's bad because he is ill and has no morals?).
But I also realize I'm doing exactly what my parents did -- my narcissistic mother, riddled with hypochrondria and sleeping pills, ranting to the skies about her horrible children, and my father allowing it to happen. (Even for all that, I'm healthier than my husband because I admit whereas he cannot be honest.)
But like my parents -- mother wrapped up in her navel and dad bound tightly to her illness --I'm wondering if I'm ignoring my children in order to obsess on the whys and wherefores of my h's behaviour. They need me focused on them, present, loving, fun and stable. I never thought I'd say this about my husband, but he's just not stable, and I was blind to not see it before.
Not exactly my most cogent post, but there you have it.
But it's more than that, I think, even though I am as weak in succumbing to my ego as the next person. It's the way the world dismisses vows, and commitments, especially those you make on behalf of the weaker -- our children. For all their sophistication, our children are fragile. And yet they're also strong. Maybe this will make them stronger, maybe it will shatter my daughter's chances for a good marriage, if she pursues life with a man who is as spiritually and psychologically unformed as her dad. Who can my son look up to now -- he has declared that his dad is no longer a role model. His dad gave up all that, because of something he thought might bring him happiness? Even the kids are smarter than that -- my daughter "got" the message of Where the Wild Things Are (you can't run away from your problems).
Met with a friend yesterday, and he says I should be relieved that he's gone, given what I now know. It was hard to explain to him that separation and divorce goes against everything I believe in, even while intellectually I know this is better now (does it bother me to admit that Tom was right -- this was a bad marriage? or because I don't get the opportunity to shout out that it's bad because he is ill and has no morals?).
But I also realize I'm doing exactly what my parents did -- my narcissistic mother, riddled with hypochrondria and sleeping pills, ranting to the skies about her horrible children, and my father allowing it to happen. (Even for all that, I'm healthier than my husband because I admit whereas he cannot be honest.)
But like my parents -- mother wrapped up in her navel and dad bound tightly to her illness --I'm wondering if I'm ignoring my children in order to obsess on the whys and wherefores of my h's behaviour. They need me focused on them, present, loving, fun and stable. I never thought I'd say this about my husband, but he's just not stable, and I was blind to not see it before.
Not exactly my most cogent post, but there you have it.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Living in the Light, radiating the Light
This journey of mine is an amazing testament to God's grace, because of the unbelievable number of Christian women He has set up along my path. I feel protected, upheld, and for once in my life worthwhile as in worth fighting for.
Last night as I lay awake for an hour or so (which I do most nights, wrestling with all this), I started having vivid memories of my relationship with my mother, and with others for whom I take on care for. That itself is a retreat from reality -- assuming I'm not worth caring about, and am only there to hold up others. But it'salso about not being willing to enter into that whole commitment thing that will allow me to accept care.
Being a researcher, I am one who relies on info from numerous sources before coming to a conclusion. I am trying to rely more on God alone, but He knows how I operate and knows how best to get me to listen. So He sends several women I trust and they give their two cents, which amounts to a goldmine (or should that be coppermine?).
The consistent message is that God wants me to live whole, which requires a transformed mind, heart and soul. I must move forward, like a butterfly wiggling out of its cocoon. Those around you who are mired in quicksand cause trouble when they attempt to pull others in with them. Being centred in Christ prevents falling into that quicksand with them. Being centred on God opens you to a renewal of the mind that proves the will of God in what's good, acceptable and pure.
Devotions point me forward too: 2 Corinthians, chapter 11, getting sucked in by smooth talking. In my case this isn't the snake oil salesman type, but a cool rational mind embodied by a responsible "family" man guy (who was living a secret life). St Paul talks about this sham -- especially relevant too the Corinthians with their rational Greek understanding of life and reality.
I happily bellied up to the bar of satisfaction, just like the Samaritan woman. I traded in the hard way for the easy way so many years ago, thinking that it was a breeze, paws off, Lord, I can handle this, and I am now paying for it. These are the wages of disobedience, and I can't let myself off the hook.
So, I could spend a lot of time looking backward, and worrying about my kids. OR, I can look forward and up, live a whole and satisfying life in the Lord, rejoicing in his abundance of gifts to me, and trusting that He will lead the way, that He can fix things.
I CANNOT fix things, no-how, no-way, no matter how "good" and pleasing I make myself, no matter how I try to meet other's needs. But I CAN live according to Him, by radiating His light. That only happens when we are securely fixed on Him.
Last night as I lay awake for an hour or so (which I do most nights, wrestling with all this), I started having vivid memories of my relationship with my mother, and with others for whom I take on care for. That itself is a retreat from reality -- assuming I'm not worth caring about, and am only there to hold up others. But it'salso about not being willing to enter into that whole commitment thing that will allow me to accept care.
Being a researcher, I am one who relies on info from numerous sources before coming to a conclusion. I am trying to rely more on God alone, but He knows how I operate and knows how best to get me to listen. So He sends several women I trust and they give their two cents, which amounts to a goldmine (or should that be coppermine?).
The consistent message is that God wants me to live whole, which requires a transformed mind, heart and soul. I must move forward, like a butterfly wiggling out of its cocoon. Those around you who are mired in quicksand cause trouble when they attempt to pull others in with them. Being centred in Christ prevents falling into that quicksand with them. Being centred on God opens you to a renewal of the mind that proves the will of God in what's good, acceptable and pure.
Devotions point me forward too: 2 Corinthians, chapter 11, getting sucked in by smooth talking. In my case this isn't the snake oil salesman type, but a cool rational mind embodied by a responsible "family" man guy (who was living a secret life). St Paul talks about this sham -- especially relevant too the Corinthians with their rational Greek understanding of life and reality.
I happily bellied up to the bar of satisfaction, just like the Samaritan woman. I traded in the hard way for the easy way so many years ago, thinking that it was a breeze, paws off, Lord, I can handle this, and I am now paying for it. These are the wages of disobedience, and I can't let myself off the hook.
So, I could spend a lot of time looking backward, and worrying about my kids. OR, I can look forward and up, live a whole and satisfying life in the Lord, rejoicing in his abundance of gifts to me, and trusting that He will lead the way, that He can fix things.
I CANNOT fix things, no-how, no-way, no matter how "good" and pleasing I make myself, no matter how I try to meet other's needs. But I CAN live according to Him, by radiating His light. That only happens when we are securely fixed on Him.
Friday, January 01, 2010
roller coasters and other things...
This emotional ride is not as severe in some respects as it was 10 or 11 years ago when my husband first pulled his teenager tricks, but in other ways it's as bad. I am starting to recognize my own need to explain his behaviour to others who know him as not overly healthy for me. Although it enrages me that he is trying to pull the wool over his family's eyes (woe is me, I'm soooo unhappy), and not tell them the truth about his mistress (he wants a life of integrity, so how about start by telling the truth!), I also see that I'm playing a little of the victim game myself. Which doesn't help me move forward.
This first day of January is not only the beginning of a new year for me, but a new decade as well. There has been a huge amount of pain over the past decade, some of which I swept under the carpet partly because I'd absorbed as much as I could.
My husband's mistress wailed: mistresses are real people, mistresses have real feelings. The same goes for wives, sisters -- we are real people, we have real feelings, and why would I be content with a relationship that so degraded and devalued me? The only reason I closed my eyes to what was going on, was to preserve a home for my children. But my husband's leaving has ripped that wide open, and I am left with two choices: stay stuck with wishful thinking, or move ahead and live fully.
To alter the paralysis, I must move forward, even if it causes more upheaval and conflict within. That means leaving the past behind, because dwelling there is not where God wishes us to be, because God wishes us to have whole lives, not shadow lives. It means looking ahead, but only so far, because what the Lord wants more than anything is incarnational life, being fully present.
Moving forward means leaving the safety of the past, even though it is fraught with pain, betrayal, abandonment -- it's the devil I know.
This first day of January is not only the beginning of a new year for me, but a new decade as well. There has been a huge amount of pain over the past decade, some of which I swept under the carpet partly because I'd absorbed as much as I could.
My husband's mistress wailed: mistresses are real people, mistresses have real feelings. The same goes for wives, sisters -- we are real people, we have real feelings, and why would I be content with a relationship that so degraded and devalued me? The only reason I closed my eyes to what was going on, was to preserve a home for my children. But my husband's leaving has ripped that wide open, and I am left with two choices: stay stuck with wishful thinking, or move ahead and live fully.
To alter the paralysis, I must move forward, even if it causes more upheaval and conflict within. That means leaving the past behind, because dwelling there is not where God wishes us to be, because God wishes us to have whole lives, not shadow lives. It means looking ahead, but only so far, because what the Lord wants more than anything is incarnational life, being fully present.
Moving forward means leaving the safety of the past, even though it is fraught with pain, betrayal, abandonment -- it's the devil I know.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
vengeance is not mine
I understand now why so many people seek vengeance under these kinds of circumstances, and it has nothing to do with punishing the other person. When you've been betrayed by someone who is supposed to love you and care for you, the anger is a useful tool for not feling the hurt so badly. In fact it can prevent you from feeling altogether because you are so busy smashing things to pieces :)
But when you don't seek revenge, through anger, the result is an overwhelming sadness and g rief over the loss and that is much more debilitating, at least for the shorter term. But ultimately, more healing comes through sadness because it is the real emotion under the anger, and it resides closer to the heart, and is consequently more human, which is the reality here.
Today I'm sad, for I have dropped my vengefulness and am feeling the loss. In 2 Corinthians, chapter 7, Paul remarks to the Corinthian church that the distress they felt over being hurt by some other segment of the church drove them to deepen their ties with God rather than strike out at those who hurt them.
When I'm sad, I am driven to Christ for solace, and it's a very good and safe to be.
But when you don't seek revenge, through anger, the result is an overwhelming sadness and g rief over the loss and that is much more debilitating, at least for the shorter term. But ultimately, more healing comes through sadness because it is the real emotion under the anger, and it resides closer to the heart, and is consequently more human, which is the reality here.
Today I'm sad, for I have dropped my vengefulness and am feeling the loss. In 2 Corinthians, chapter 7, Paul remarks to the Corinthian church that the distress they felt over being hurt by some other segment of the church drove them to deepen their ties with God rather than strike out at those who hurt them.
When I'm sad, I am driven to Christ for solace, and it's a very good and safe to be.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
revelation
Since last posting, I learned a lot more about the mistress. Having concluded that they deserve each other, I am now directing my concerns toward my own children. As one of my friends said, "your husband's escapades are boring and predictable, pathetic, twisted and ugly. Why waste any more time thinking about them?"
Monday, December 14, 2009
to reveal or not to reveal
It's amazing how much I've distanced from my husband's whole drama, although not surprising really considering how long I've had to get used to his escapades and bad behaviour.
I can honestly say I feel no jealousy for my husband's girlfriend (whom he's been sleeping with for almost a year I also just discovered). The only thing I feel right now is revulsion for the deception and lies -- inwardly I say ick when I see him.
But a friend suggested that the girlfriend really ought to know the things I now know about. She's the single mom of a young daughter, and most likely knows nothing about his "secret" life -- after all, I've lived with him for 23 years and hadn't a clue til recently. But another friend said better leave it alone and hope that he continues in this "normal" relationship which would prevent him from reverting to the other, and wreaking havoc and damage for my children, and hope that they can carve out a relatively normal relationship as long as it doesn't get any further than superficial. Not that it's likely to be very deep, given how he refuses to deal in reality. (see his earlier reactions to their hurt ....)
So to tell, or not to tell. I guess the answer is what will help my kids the most....
Heavy stuff. Depressing stuff. I feel liberated, though, at long last.
I can honestly say I feel no jealousy for my husband's girlfriend (whom he's been sleeping with for almost a year I also just discovered). The only thing I feel right now is revulsion for the deception and lies -- inwardly I say ick when I see him.
But a friend suggested that the girlfriend really ought to know the things I now know about. She's the single mom of a young daughter, and most likely knows nothing about his "secret" life -- after all, I've lived with him for 23 years and hadn't a clue til recently. But another friend said better leave it alone and hope that he continues in this "normal" relationship which would prevent him from reverting to the other, and wreaking havoc and damage for my children, and hope that they can carve out a relatively normal relationship as long as it doesn't get any further than superficial. Not that it's likely to be very deep, given how he refuses to deal in reality. (see his earlier reactions to their hurt ....)
So to tell, or not to tell. I guess the answer is what will help my kids the most....
Heavy stuff. Depressing stuff. I feel liberated, though, at long last.
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