Living a Better Story

I just came across Donald Miller's latest book, “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life” which is about taking stock of the story you are living. After his critical success, Blue Like Jazz, he was a couch potato until two Hollywood producers wanted to do a screenplay of his life. He started thinking about how he was living, and what kind of story that would be, and realized it wasn't the story he wanted to live. So he got off his butt, and made many changes.

My life isn't perfect, but it's not exactly screenplay material either. In many ways, I've been floating along, keeping my head above water, and not causing any ripples, either positively or negatively. My children are doing well, though, so I guess I must be doing something right. My writing is going reasonably well too, so must be doing something right there as well.

But who am I kidding? I hate not having things perfect. I am a certifiable perfectionist, and this is what I need to change, and I need to get real about not being perfect. That may be the real reason I gave this blog the name it has.

Sooooo if I were being honest, and really wanted to live a better story, I'd confess to being a perfectionist, and strive to change those ways.

1) not worry if someone spills something on the floor

2) invite lots of people over for dinner and feed them macaroni and cheese (with asiago of course)

3) stop writing lists of where I want to be in ten years, and consider what I'm doing now to live well and imperfectly (which are kind of the same thing)

4) stop cleaning the house or doing laundry..... hmm, well maybe not

Separation (from food) anxiety

OK, everyone knows that church dinners aren't always the height of culinary arts. Often macaroni and cheese, or a pasta salad, or spaghetti bolognese (you get the idea), but the whole point of these things is to be hospitable and break bread together (and pasta is not far removed from bread). So when my sister expressed her displeasure at heading to Alpha for the dinner portion, because of her "sensitive" stomach, I knew it was because the fare wasn't up to snuff.

It reminds me of something Adrian Plass said once on tour in Toronto, about church social gatherings -- they are testament to our fortitude towards others' eccentricities. So perhaps I should take that advice and stop judging the finicky sister, and accept that she is so, and doesn't want another mac and cheese dinner.

On another albeit similar note, I saw the ex in a tee shirt today, and ohboy he's put on weight. I guess Mrs Paradise is feeding him well. I do recall reading a note from her saying she enjoyed preparing gourmet meals (I just didn't realize at the time that it applied to him!).

Living in the Light, radiating the Light

This journey of mine is an amazing testament to God's grace, because of the unbelievable number of Christian women He has set up along my path. I feel protected, upheld, and for once in my life worthwhile as in worth fighting for.

Last night as I lay awake for an hour or so (which I do most nights, wrestling with all this), I started having vivid memories of my relationship with my mother, and with others for whom I take on care for. That itself is a retreat from reality -- assuming I'm not worth caring about, and am only there to hold up others. But it'salso about not being willing to enter into that whole commitment thing that will allow me to accept care.

Being a researcher, I am one who relies on info from numerous sources before coming to a conclusion. I am trying to rely more on God alone, but He knows how I operate and knows how best to get me to listen. So He sends several women I trust and they give their two cents, which amounts to a goldmine (or should that be coppermine?).

The consistent message is that God wants me to live whole, which requires a transformed mind, heart and soul. I must move forward, like a butterfly wiggling out of its cocoon. Those around you who are mired in quicksand cause trouble when they attempt to pull others in with them. Being centred in Christ prevents falling into that quicksand with them. Being centred on God opens you to a renewal of the mind that proves the will of God in what's good, acceptable and pure.

Devotions point me forward too: 2 Corinthians, chapter 11, getting sucked in by smooth talking. In my case this isn't the snake oil salesman type, but a cool rational mind embodied by a responsible "family" man guy (who was living a secret life). St Paul talks about this sham -- especially relevant too the Corinthians with their rational Greek understanding of life and reality.

I happily bellied up to the bar of satisfaction, just like the Samaritan woman. I traded in the hard way for the easy way so many years ago, thinking that it was a breeze, paws off, Lord, I can handle this, and I am now paying for it. These are the wages of disobedience, and I can't let myself off the hook.

So, I could spend a lot of time looking backward, and worrying about my kids. OR, I can look forward and up, live a whole and satisfying life in the Lord, rejoicing in his abundance of gifts to me, and trusting that He will lead the way, that He can fix things.

I CANNOT fix things, no-how, no-way, no matter how "good" and pleasing I make myself, no matter how I try to meet other's needs. But I CAN live according to Him, by radiating His light. That only happens when we are securely fixed on Him.