Marriage is not a Mirror Image

I was talking to a gay man I know, and told him about my marriage breakdown. He asked if I was lonely, and I said no -- more angry, hurt, betrayed and feeling blamed for something that was way out of my control.

He asked if I didn't think monogamy was impossible, and that we were not meant to have the same mate for ever. I said that I thought marriage is where you meet yourself (for better or worse). He asked if that meant mirror image, and I said actually the opposite -- it's where you meet the Other, and in that other ness you are able to see yourself, flaws, strengths, everything, if you're aware of or open to seeing that.

Mirror images are essentially narcissistic because you're hoping to see a positive reflection of yourself. One reason, I guess why my husband consistently falls in love with his ethnic mirror image, hoping to find himself. Ironically when he was younger, he fled that cultural mirror image, rejecting it. The wrestling, as I explained to my friend, was in the complement, to see where and how you can fit -- not as in hand and glove but as in wrestling with another, fully individual person with separate desires, will, goals, and so on. Teenagers mature when they have to cut their teeth against someone they disagree with, although that someone also needs to be in loving relationship with them. Otherwise, they walk away. When you rub up against someone not entirely like yourself, but someone who also has the will (in spite of that lack) to see it through to the end with you, you work out your own personality, see where you are succeeding, failing, where you are strong and weak, where you are culpable and not.

Barring abuse of any kind, marriage breakdown is a failure of will. It is easier to find something new and potentially more exciting. It requires strength to face our own weaknesses and failures because it takes guts to be accountable and take responsibility for things we may have done to hurt. No mirror image can erase the fact that behind that mirror lies an other human being, complete with their own will, which inevitably will depart from your path at some point. What makes marriages last is the willingness to banish fear of being alone, and to wait patiently until those two paths converge again.

My Little Valentine(s)

My big lug of a 16 year old boy, and his more diminutive girlfriend, had decided to bake something on Saturday night and then make dinner for me for Valentine's day. When he told me this -- because his gf is grounded right now and they won't be able to after all -- I hugged him. (Of course, he could still do it.)

But how sweet the thought for his broken down old maw....

Gotta love them kids.

Life imitates artifice

It's amazing how often life imitates art(ifice). I was thinking about the ridiculous conversation between an American man and his American mistress while we were all having dinner in a tiny restaurant in Paris's 6th.

How much it reminded me of the months-later email conversation between my husband and his mistress, with her psychologizing about what a narcissist I am, how I do not realize what a Great Man he is, and -- worse -- how I have stood in the way of his accomplishing Great Works and his Destiny (which only her embrace can change for the better).

The couple in the bar were hysterically funny, particularly to me and my ten year old daughter, and even to 16 year old son. We couldn't believe how ridiculous they sounded, swilling back wine, she drunkenly defending their relationship, and earnestly psycho-analyzing the predicament of wife clinging to errant husband (judging by my own feelings, I suspect NOT), and he trying to keep his head above water, because her line of reasoning was so confusing.

Of course at the time I knew nothing of dear-husband's affairs of the heart. But looking back, it makes me wonder if these philanderers realize how predictable and silly they sound, so that even a ten year old girl snickers?

easy, healthy soup

I'm known in my family for my salads and soups. In fact, I could live on the two food groups if my kids weren't constantly wrangling for meat, french fries, and cookies.

Here's a very simple soup I made last week for friends:
Three or four whole carrots, peeled and cut in half
one potato, peeled
two parsnips, peeled
thinly sliced onions
tbsp or two of flour
some leftover wine
a packet of chicken or veg boullion

saute onions in a little olive oil, and when transparent add the flour, to thicken. when mixed, add some wine and stir til a thick paste. Then fill the pot three quarters with water, add vegetables, and simmer for 45 minutes or so, until the veg are soft.

Allow to cool, remove veg (reserve liquid in pot), puree in blender, then return veg to pot. Add chicken boullion. before serving, add some heavy cream (or evaporated milk) and you can also add a dash of nutmeg or cinnamon.

So easy.

heaalthy recycling

My very thin six-foot-three-inch son has a secret stash of food. Unbeknownst to me -- even though I've been trying to get him to take more food for lunch -- he only has a sandwich and drink currently. I just found out from his girly friend that he eats that sandwich by first period, then scrounges everyone else's lunch for more food. When I asked him about it, mortified that my kid is scrounging, especially since I've been urging him to take more, he said it's no big deal, he's recycling!

thrifty diversions

Nothing like a little shopping fantasy to take your mind off more troubling things, like errant husbands, and distressed children. Especially when it's done on the cheap!

I've often wondered if thrift is a chromosomal trait -- as in the absent Y -- or if it's a genetic, inherited trait. Frugality ran in my family -- five girls -- but it skipped our brother. On the other hand, it also skipped his wife, who spends scads of dough on matronly clothing that she'll be able to wear til she's 80.

My 10 year old daughter is now asking to go to Valu Village when she's in the mood for a little something new, and I happily oblige. She told me the other day that her friend Megan bought a sweater from lulu Lemon, and she cried in alarm: "Mom, it's ridiculous to spend $185 for a sweater when you get one at VV for $6."

That's my girl. Now if only I could get her brother in there, we'd be all set.

I just happened on two fantastic websites:
http://www.svaerqueen.com/ and http://www.thriftychicks.com/ both of which recommend thrift shopping for birthday and Christmas gifts, as long as the item has been carefully and specifically chosen for a particular person, and it's good value and in very good shape.

Sounds good to me. Maybe I can get Dear Daughter to host a VV party -- for her birthday even and they all get to shop til they drop.

and then again...

No sooner did I finish my last post, but this came to my inbox from Christian quotation of the day,and humbled me. I must have more patience, and forebearance, just as the Lord has done with me:

Lord Jesus Christ! A whole life long didst thou suffer that I too might be saved; and yet thy suffering is not yet at an end; but this too wilt thou endure, saving and redeeming me, this patient suffering of having to do with me, I who so often go astray from the right path, or even when I remained on the straight path stumbled along it or crept so slowly along the right path. Infinite patience, suffering of infinite patience. How many times have I not been impatient, wished to give up and forsake everything; wished to take the terribly easy way out, despair: but thou didst not lose patience. Oh, I cannot say what thy chosen servant says: that he filled up that which is behind of the afflictions of Christ in his flesh; no, I can only say that I increased thy sufferings, added new ones to those which thou didst once suffer in order to save me. ... Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855), Journals,