I just got off the phone with a long time girlfriend who tells me her marriage is dissolving, and she has been having an affair for the past two years. While I do understand that she’s felt frustrated with trying to get her husband to pay attention to her, I also know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of the infidelity news.
And she’s not the first. In the past month or two, I have heard of the split up of four other relatively good friends. In one case, the husband had been addicted to office affairs, and had even been blackmailed by one of his past flings. In the other two, the husband had left for another woman. So the stats are right on one thing – this happens 75% of the time with men, and 25% with women. And the final one, he left not for another woman, but to be away.
In my own case, I keep holding on, but when I get to the point where I am ready to throw in the towel he makes a turnaround. Some friends say he seems to enjoy having me dance to his tune. Others say essentially the same, but add that it’s just his personality to need to assert his power to leave anytime (which he’s been threatening to do for 22 years, and never does).
The conversations with friends always revolves around how does this affect the kids. Is it better for them to have parents staying together even though it’s pretty clear there’s little love, or is it better if mom and dad move on -- either alone or to someone new -- so that they can stop exposing the kids to impotent relationships. I’m married to a man whose parents stuck together and their horrible relationship may have caused him to be virtually incapable of making a commitment (he did this kind of thing with girlfriends before me so I know it's a trend). And yet, my children are doing quite well, all things considered. And I am doing fairly well myself -- we are amicable (most of the time), and I do work I like. Except for occasionally feeling suspicious that he is having an affair, my emotional life is pretty consistently calm. (Though this could also be due to having cut myself off from feeling.)
Anyway, I’d love to hear from others what they have to say. Because I don't have the answer(s)!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Sunday, October 12, 2008
as time passes
It is Thanksgiving Sunday today, and I have been thinking about how we get caught up in certain things. Several years ago when my 15-year-old son was about 8, there was a great furore among Christian circles over the Harry Potter books -- were they occult and dangerous, or were they getting your kids to read. Which was the lesser of two evils?
It started me thinking about the role of parents in their children's discernment, which ultimately led to writing a book about making wise discernments with your teenagers (it has not been published, nor raised any interest, but that's another story). After an incredible amount of research and several rewrites, my son finally turned 13, but it was only in the past six months or so that I have come smack up into the face of the teenager, and can truly write and know what it's like.
And for all that research, and all that experience, the sum of it is this: love. Sounds simple, love them and they will turn out fine, but it's hard. When children know they are loved, they are more inclined to be good. When we spend time with them, reassuring them of their worth, they will know it when they hear that their Heavenly Father loves them and values them. When you really love them, your discipline is in their best interest and not out of anger.
St Paul really had it right on when he wrote:
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
It's also incredibly difficult to follow.
It started me thinking about the role of parents in their children's discernment, which ultimately led to writing a book about making wise discernments with your teenagers (it has not been published, nor raised any interest, but that's another story). After an incredible amount of research and several rewrites, my son finally turned 13, but it was only in the past six months or so that I have come smack up into the face of the teenager, and can truly write and know what it's like.
And for all that research, and all that experience, the sum of it is this: love. Sounds simple, love them and they will turn out fine, but it's hard. When children know they are loved, they are more inclined to be good. When we spend time with them, reassuring them of their worth, they will know it when they hear that their Heavenly Father loves them and values them. When you really love them, your discipline is in their best interest and not out of anger.
St Paul really had it right on when he wrote:
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
It's also incredibly difficult to follow.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Willpower and Kids
Every so often I get a newsletter for dieting, exercise and so on. The article on it this morning caught my attention because of what the author said about willpower.
"...being aware of your emotional triggers so that you can avoid them, Jillian says. She is not a big believer in the concept of willpower...thinks it is far better to control your environment to guarantee success. For instance, instead of telling yourself you are not going to eat any bread when you go to a restaurant, make an immediate request to the waiter not to bring any bread to the table...willpower just amounts to temporary moments of bravado."
I think she's right -- and it makes a really good argument for controlling certain behaviours and attitudes in general. We can talk all we like about training our kids to resist temptation, but let's face it -- it's hard. It's doubly hard when there are no holds barred on the things available for them to sample.
Where does that leave us parents? In the unenviable role of removing some things from our children's reach -- much as we would a pot on a hot stove when the toddler cruises by.
"...being aware of your emotional triggers so that you can avoid them, Jillian says. She is not a big believer in the concept of willpower...thinks it is far better to control your environment to guarantee success. For instance, instead of telling yourself you are not going to eat any bread when you go to a restaurant, make an immediate request to the waiter not to bring any bread to the table...willpower just amounts to temporary moments of bravado."
I think she's right -- and it makes a really good argument for controlling certain behaviours and attitudes in general. We can talk all we like about training our kids to resist temptation, but let's face it -- it's hard. It's doubly hard when there are no holds barred on the things available for them to sample.
Where does that leave us parents? In the unenviable role of removing some things from our children's reach -- much as we would a pot on a hot stove when the toddler cruises by.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Heading to Integrity
Today while sitting on my rain-washed deck and tossing the ball for my obsessive white lab, Emma, I read my daily devotions. I've been working through the Psalms, and today I read 26. I usually have to read the Bible chapter over and over just to get the proper feel and understanding and today was no different. Finally on the second or third read, the key words started to sink in. For me to acquire integrity (does one acquire this like your taste for martinis?), there were a few things I would have to do.
-- trusted in the Lord without wavering
-- walk in faithfulness to you
-- singing aloud a song of thanksgiving, and telling all your wondrous deeds
-- love the house in which you dwell
In order to gain integrity, it seems we must trust in God, be faithful to Him, sing his praises, thank Him for all things, and love the house in which he dwells (and that would mean His church, even though we all know that God is not restricted by actual walls and ceilings).
And so, integrity comes from worship.
-- trusted in the Lord without wavering
-- walk in faithfulness to you
-- singing aloud a song of thanksgiving, and telling all your wondrous deeds
-- love the house in which you dwell
In order to gain integrity, it seems we must trust in God, be faithful to Him, sing his praises, thank Him for all things, and love the house in which he dwells (and that would mean His church, even though we all know that God is not restricted by actual walls and ceilings).
And so, integrity comes from worship.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
A Darwin by any other Name...
...is still the same.
Ah, yes, dear old Darwin. We keep coming smack up to him. When most scientists have long since given him the boot and moved on to more sophisticated methods of understanding evolving species, the Darwinists and neo-Darwinists are still kicking his can.
Is it possible they are doing this out of a defensive reaction to the Creationists and their loud fanfare? Or as a reaction, albeit a tenuous one, to Bush and his evangelical coterie? As I said to my dear atheist, Bush-hating husband the other day, whatever will you have to complain about come November?
Anyway, I digress. There's a new movie out called Expelled, which I read not such good reviews about. Do I send my 15-year-old to see it without vetting it? Bad movies only make bad impressions even if the intent is good. And he's pretty mature about movie quality (and hates to be reminded of his love of Barney only 9 short years ago.)
I see that Louisiana has effected a bill that the left claims undercuts the teaching of evolution, while those who proposed adding creationist/intelligent design in addition to evolution sounds pretty reasonable to me. It's not as though they're removing evolution from the curriculum. I don't really quite understand their fears -- seeing as ID promotes evolving species, just not in as simplistic a manner as the Darwinists, but also sees it with a guiding hand.
Usually, people dig in their heels for two reasons, or one really: they feel insecure in their position. So either, they worry that the future holds only a nightmare of right-wing evangelical thought control, or they worry that ID will legitimately erode the non-theistic Darwin theory, (neo or otherwise).
While I champion the rights of people to ensure their children get taught the way they want them to, (and personally I am a proponent of ID because I think it's the only reasonable choice between evolution which has the scientific evidence on its side, and creation which has a deep understanding of how God operates with the world He loves), I also worry that the approach taken is accomplishing little, and possibly creating a large wake of unreparable damage.
Ah, yes, dear old Darwin. We keep coming smack up to him. When most scientists have long since given him the boot and moved on to more sophisticated methods of understanding evolving species, the Darwinists and neo-Darwinists are still kicking his can.
Is it possible they are doing this out of a defensive reaction to the Creationists and their loud fanfare? Or as a reaction, albeit a tenuous one, to Bush and his evangelical coterie? As I said to my dear atheist, Bush-hating husband the other day, whatever will you have to complain about come November?
Anyway, I digress. There's a new movie out called Expelled, which I read not such good reviews about. Do I send my 15-year-old to see it without vetting it? Bad movies only make bad impressions even if the intent is good. And he's pretty mature about movie quality (and hates to be reminded of his love of Barney only 9 short years ago.)
I see that Louisiana has effected a bill that the left claims undercuts the teaching of evolution, while those who proposed adding creationist/intelligent design in addition to evolution sounds pretty reasonable to me. It's not as though they're removing evolution from the curriculum. I don't really quite understand their fears -- seeing as ID promotes evolving species, just not in as simplistic a manner as the Darwinists, but also sees it with a guiding hand.
Usually, people dig in their heels for two reasons, or one really: they feel insecure in their position. So either, they worry that the future holds only a nightmare of right-wing evangelical thought control, or they worry that ID will legitimately erode the non-theistic Darwin theory, (neo or otherwise).
While I champion the rights of people to ensure their children get taught the way they want them to, (and personally I am a proponent of ID because I think it's the only reasonable choice between evolution which has the scientific evidence on its side, and creation which has a deep understanding of how God operates with the world He loves), I also worry that the approach taken is accomplishing little, and possibly creating a large wake of unreparable damage.
Extreme Makeovers
There was another story in the NY Times last week about an extreme makeover that caught the public attention, as if they don't as a matter of course. This particular story was about a woman, a former correctional officer, who took on her sister's ten children after her sister died of cancer and the dad disappeared. Felicia Jackson had four children of her own, which brought the tally to 14.
Jackson's sister Cassandra died in 2004. In an interview, 'Jackson was plain-spoken about her life since then. "We've been moving every year to a different house," she said. "I had to resign from my job with the government. And I got divorced."'
Whenever I see or hear stories like this one, my immediate reaction is what a good thing for EM to do, and for the building company to absorb the whole cost themselves. There was another EM a few months back about a young family with 3 or 4 kids all of whom had the same rare disease, which drove the dad to study for medical school at night after he finished work so that he could find a cure for his sick children, when there was a hospital right in Pittsburgh halfway across the country with the best specialists in his kids' disease.
After the emotional hit of all those nice EM people helping out, and the pathos of the story they find (they get about 1,000 requests a week, apparently), I find myself critical of a "system" that we the people have created whereby people fall through cracks every day of the week. In the sick children's case, why aren't the Extreme Makeover people making the link between the failing American health care system and the fact that a dad is trying to reinvent the wheel? In the case of the single mom with 14 kids -- where are those dads? where is the community? why was that mother left languishing with 14 kids, having to be one step ahead of the rent police?
It's wonderful that EM took them on, and I'm not criticizing them at all, just feeling a little helpless when I see unmonitored tragedy going on.
Jackson's sister Cassandra died in 2004. In an interview, 'Jackson was plain-spoken about her life since then. "We've been moving every year to a different house," she said. "I had to resign from my job with the government. And I got divorced."'
Whenever I see or hear stories like this one, my immediate reaction is what a good thing for EM to do, and for the building company to absorb the whole cost themselves. There was another EM a few months back about a young family with 3 or 4 kids all of whom had the same rare disease, which drove the dad to study for medical school at night after he finished work so that he could find a cure for his sick children, when there was a hospital right in Pittsburgh halfway across the country with the best specialists in his kids' disease.
After the emotional hit of all those nice EM people helping out, and the pathos of the story they find (they get about 1,000 requests a week, apparently), I find myself critical of a "system" that we the people have created whereby people fall through cracks every day of the week. In the sick children's case, why aren't the Extreme Makeover people making the link between the failing American health care system and the fact that a dad is trying to reinvent the wheel? In the case of the single mom with 14 kids -- where are those dads? where is the community? why was that mother left languishing with 14 kids, having to be one step ahead of the rent police?
It's wonderful that EM took them on, and I'm not criticizing them at all, just feeling a little helpless when I see unmonitored tragedy going on.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Me, Joseph, and the Technicolour Coat
Friends often tolerate my "consumer" rant, about how we spend, spend, spend and let tomorrow take care of itself. They also tolerate my comparing our current consumer times to Joseph and his dream interpretation of the seven fat calves and the seven lean ones.
An article I saw today reminded me exactly of the pharaoh's dream:
WORLD LEADERS assemble in Rome today for a three-day summit on the global food crisis. The sense of urgency surrounding the meeting is appropriate. With commodity prices at their highest levels in three decades, some 100 million people who had been lifted out of chronic poverty are at risk of slipping back. Famine once again threatens vulnerable countries such as North Korea. Until relatively recently, producing more food was not thought to be much of a problem.
The real problem was lack of foresight and preparation:
During the era of cheap and abundant food, Western donors and multilateral aid organizations neglected agricultural research and rural development in favor of more fashionable development trends.
Things haven't changed much in the last three, four thousand years.
An article I saw today reminded me exactly of the pharaoh's dream:
WORLD LEADERS assemble in Rome today for a three-day summit on the global food crisis. The sense of urgency surrounding the meeting is appropriate. With commodity prices at their highest levels in three decades, some 100 million people who had been lifted out of chronic poverty are at risk of slipping back. Famine once again threatens vulnerable countries such as North Korea. Until relatively recently, producing more food was not thought to be much of a problem.
The real problem was lack of foresight and preparation:
During the era of cheap and abundant food, Western donors and multilateral aid organizations neglected agricultural research and rural development in favor of more fashionable development trends.
Things haven't changed much in the last three, four thousand years.
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